Due to
an unforeseen incident with my computer that resulted in the loss of
this week's commentary, I've prepared a guest post for you all, along
with a little comic relief. This week's Bible study will be posted at
its usual time this coming Wednesday evening. Thank you all very much
for your continued readership, I appreciate each and every one of
you! :-)
The late, great comic
Bill Hicks once observed that if Jesus Christ did return to the
contemporary world, he’d probably be
mortified to see crosses everywhere.
He likened it to people wearing sniper rifle pins to remember JFK.
Every day, I find myself thinking about that bit of his. And on more
than one occasion, I’ve found myself thinking about something else,
too: how conservatives
would treat Jesus Christ
if he returned today. If that did happen, I’d love to be a fly on
the wall for the ensuing conversation. But unfortunately, I wouldn’t
get to witness that if it really did happen. So instead, I’m going
to imagine a conversation between a freshly-resurrected Jesus and a
gaggle of famous conservatives. And naturally I’m going to take you
along for the ride, of course.
A Conversation Between Jesus Christ And A Group Of Famous Conservative Figures
(Jesus
Christ appears in a flash of light and a puff of smoke. For some
reason, his Dad sent him to the United States. And just as
mysteriously, Jesus arrives at a meeting involving several famous
conservative figures)
Donald Trump: Huh? Who the Hell is this guy? SECURITY!
Paul Ryan: Oh my! It’s the King of Kings! The Lamb of God! The Son Of David! It’s…
Trump:
We’ve already met, Paul. I’m talking about this other guy who
just appeared out of nowhere. And hey, my Dad’s name was Fred, not…
Jesus:
I think he meant me. Jesus. Jesus Christ. Maybe you’ve heard of me?Trump: Oh. Cool, I guess.
Ryan: Cool? Donald, we’re meeting Jesus Christ! He has returned!
Jesus:
Yes, my son, I have returned! And I am here to spread… uh… Mr.
Trump? What are you… can you put down your phone?
Trump:
Sorry, just had to Tweet about this. ‘Just
met Jesus. Very poor. Doesn’t have shoes. Low energy. Heaven isn’t
sending their best people. SAD.’
Jesus:
Uh… okay… so anyway, I’m here to spread my message unto the
world! A message of peace on Earth! A message of loving thy
neighbors, of loving the poor, of healing the sick and…
Mike Pence:
ELECTROCUTING THE GAYS!Conservatives In Chorus: YES!
Jesus:
NO! That’s not at all what I was about to say! Have you ever
actually read the New Testament? I don’t have any problem with
people being gay! People should love whoever they want to love! I was
going to say… wait… Mr. Ryan, did you just… did you just squirt
something on me?
Ryan:
Yes, Jesus. It’s called hand sanitizer. You look… muddy? Is that
the word? Your skin’s all brown.
Jesus:
What? Mr. Ryan, I am clean. This is my skin’s natural tone. For I
hail from Nazareth, in present-day Israel. Our skin is naturally…
Trump:
Hang on, I have to tweet this. ‘Jesus
looks Arab. Talks like Bernie Sanders. Probably a terrorist. ISIS
must be stopped.’
Jesus:
Mr. Trump, please! I’m here with a message! My Father’s message!
Pence:
Your father wants us to torture gays, doesn’t he? Corinthians makes
that pretty clear.
Trump:
Oh
man, I love that book. Very classy! But I liked the sequel better
though. Corinthians 2 was better. I haven’t read Corinthians 3 yet
but I hear it’s fantastic.
Jesus:
Listen… it has nothing to do with gay people, okay? We need to talk
about loving the poor and treating them with respect. Of giving to
the poor rather than hoarding wealth. Of healing the sick not because
there’s profit to be made, but because they are sick, and we can
help them.
Ted Cruz:
So… you’re a socialist?Jesus: What?
Cruz: You sound like a socialist.
Pence: Yeah… definitely a socialist.
Trump: I was thinking the same thing.
Ryan: Yup.
Jesus: I’m not a socialist, guys.
Pence:
The REAL Jesus wants the poor to take care of themselves! The REAL
Jesus would believe doctors deserve a comfortable lifestyle for the
services they provide. The REAL Jesus would let me strap a car
battery to a gay guy’s testes and zap him until he’s straight!
Jesus:
For my Father's sake!!! Will you people let me… Dad damn it, now
I’m using my own name in vain! Listen, I’m the real Jesus, okay?
There’s only one version of me! And I’m here to spread a message
of loving the poor, caring for the sick, and peace on Earth!
Trump:
Peace on Earth, huh? You sound like Obama. Obamacare is a failure,
okay? It’s terrible. And we can’t beat our enemies if all we’re
ever doing is giving them handouts and negotiating with them, okay?
The Iran nuclear deal is terrible. Sad.
Cruz:
The real
Jesus wouldn’t be a defeatist libtard snowflake! The real
Jesus would use his magic powers to destroy ISIS in one shot!
Ryan:
Yeah! Why haven’t you done anything about ISIS yet, Jesus? If that
is your real
name?
Jesus:
Look… I’m starting to lose my cool with you guys. Just listen to
what I’m saying, okay? You need to care about the sick. Profiting
from the sick is wrong. You need to care for the poor, and if you’re
rich, you need to help the poor with those riches…
Cruz:
So like, redistribute our wealth?Jesus: Yes! Exactly!
Conservatives in Unison: COMMUNIST!
Cruz: Take your hippy left-wing bullshit over to Bernie Sanders!
Ryan: Jesus would never say such a thing!
Trump:
I worked hard for my wealth, okay? I started out with nothing, and
now I’m a billionaire. Well, I had that tiny, insignificant loan of
$6 million my Dad gave me, but still… there’s no reason a poor
person can’t do what I did, okay? They can just ask their parents
to give them loans of $6 million too!
Jesus:
You know what? Screw it! Screw all of you people! I’m done! I can’t
take this anymore!
Trump:
Oh man, tweeting this! ‘Jesus
is having a total meltdown. Thinks America should go socialist. SAD.
We should investigate him. I don’t think he’s here legally.’
Jesus:
Yeah… done… beam me back up, Dad!(Jesus disappears the same way he appeared, his scowl fading away as he vanishes)
Trump: Man, what a jerk!
Ryan: Seriously. Loving the poor? Caring for the sick? Peace on Earth? What kind of nonsense is that?
Cruz: Well, I’m definitely in the market for a new religion after that.
Trump: Shut up, Ted.
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